Today's Quote

“If people let government decide what foods they eat and what medicines they take, their bodies will soon be in as sorry a state as are the souls of those who live under tyranny.” Thomas Jefferson

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

I Just Don't Know What to Say

Wow, what a couple of weeks it has been. Our daughter is doing better, we are healing as a family and she is once again feeling secure in her place in the family. A member of our family and her oldest daughter had been playing some serious mind games with her. Unfortunately she has learned that sometimes even those you trust can use you and manipulate you. Then this Saturday morning we got a phone call......this woman was dead. She apparently died in her sleep. It possibly had something to do with the 4 different antidepressants she was taking. She had just turned 39. She left behind two little 7 year old boys and her 18 year old daughter. I can't say that I am surprised, but I feel awful saying that. Almost like I shouldn't say it. I find it interesting that all of the people that she hurt intentionally, all of the people that she used and manipulated are besides themselves with grief. Yet, I shed no tear nor do I feel grief. I really don't feel anything other than duty to support the other members of the family. I expect her parents to be distraught, but distant members of the family is a little different. Or am I different? I have asked myself if I truly forgave her for what she tried to do to my child. I believe that I did. I harbored no feelings of revenge, anger, hate or ill will toward her. I simply and immediately cut all contact between her, her daughter and my child. Now, she has died and I feel nothing. It is something I am praying about, because I simply don't understand. Is it that I have buried so many that have been so close to me that I no longer feel the pain of grief quite so much? I don't know what the answer is. I simply know that it is a large question in my mind and on my heart. Until next time, Kat


Kelly said...

I sort of know what you're feeling, but maybe not. My younger sister died in 2002 after having spent time in ICU and skilled nursing two years prior for pneumonia (sp?). She started smoking again and my mom and I both told her that she had the right to choose to smoke, but that didn't obligate us to spend hours at her bedisde in ICU again for the same thing. I was sad she was gone, and felt the pain my parents had in burying a child, but I don't think I ever felt grief. I don't think lack of grief means that you didn't forgive her, but only God can reveal that to you. Prayers for the immediate family, and continued prayers for your family.

Kat said...

Thanks Kelly.

Kelle said...

Kat, I'm not sure of an answer to your question, but maybe it is the Lord's way of protecting you and your family from any more emotional stress.

In dealing with my Momand her mental illness, I too feel almost like I am uncaring, but then I prayed and I realized that I think this is the Lord protcting me from anymore emotional trama.

Still rpaying for all of you and Praising the Lord your Dd is doing better.
Blessings and HUGS for your weekend,

Kat said...

Thanks, Kelle. You are probably right. God bless.